Fantasy Football Team Owner Turns to Jesus for Help in Draft?

[Editor’s Note: As this is the first of its kind for Rocking God’s House, please note that this is a work of fictional news satire, similar to that of “The Onion.” Enjoy.]

Writer Kevin Ott At Rocking Gods House

Santa Barbara, CA — For most people, late August heralds the end of summer and the drudgery of going back to school. But for a growing legion of fantasy football fans, late August means only one thing: the fantasy football draft.

The fantasy football draft is the annual ritual in which a group of friends in a fantasy football league gather together on their computers — in-person or virtually — to select NFL players for their fantasy football team. It’s the thrilling cross between the NFL draft in April and a bizarre version of horse racing: fantasy football team owners must pick the NFL players who (they think) will perform the best during the NFL regular season.

A fantasy football owner in Santa Barbara, California — who has asked for anonymity and to be known only by his FF team moniker “Team God” — has been making waves in the FF community this year. In a recent online forum, Team God announced that the teachings of Jesus Christ about turning the other cheek would play a significant role in his drafting strategy.

“I just wanted to approach the whole thing a little differently this year,” said Team God. “After listening to some Hillsong United and watching some replays of Tim Tebow interviews, I decided to take Jesus’ command to ‘love my enemies’ seriously. I decided to draft the weakest players in the league and let my opponents take the best ones. It was time to step up my commitment to Christ and really walk the walk, you know?”

Reportedly, during the first round of the draft, Team God selected a third string kicker. In the second round, he selected the Houston Texans defense.

“I was shocked,” said one of Team God’s opponents. “We all were. After the draft finished, Team God sent us all a message in the Smack Talk chat room that said, ‘I love you guys, and Jesus does too.'”

Another opponent expressed discomfort about the draft: “It kind of weirded me out actually. I’m not planning on playing in Team God’s league next year.”

As Week 1 of the NFL season gets underway, Team God has admitted feeling some apprehension about the season: “It may not be my best season. I mean, I didn’t even draft a running back, so my roster has a few holes for Week 1. But that’s okay. I might be on the waiver wire a lot this year, but I feel blessed. I’ll be celebrating my opponents’ wins instead of getting bitter and angry. It’s liberating. It feels like a weight’s been lifted from my shoulders.”